I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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