so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
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