Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
