Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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