Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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