I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
