He kissed a someone with a penis
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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