sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
