I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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