I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
