In the future we'll all be gay
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
