I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
