i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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