I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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