hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
