if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
