we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
