I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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