That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
