I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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