I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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