I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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