I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
