so let's talk penis.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
