You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
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