I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
