i love accidental penises.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
