new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
