i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
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