I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
