No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
This is my life. Enjoy the view
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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