I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
The uberlube is also flammable
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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