apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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