Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
