I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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