i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
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