apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
