Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
