i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
