Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
