I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
