I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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