The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
