DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
