i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
