He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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