If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
you had me at cake vodka
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
