oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
