fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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