you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I FOUND THE LEGS
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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