soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
