my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
