I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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