good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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