Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
