what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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